(© Bonnie Schiedel. Originally published in Canadian Family, May 2009). 

Christopher Hayden, 25, of Toronto remembers when he finally came out to his mom. “I was 15, and I had broken curfew,” he recalls. “When I got home my mom and I got in a really big fight because she was worried and kept asking where I had been. So to stop the fight I just told her: I had been at a gay youth group. My mom said, ‘The point of the matter is you still broke curfew.’” Hayden admits the situation was a bit awkward while his family became comfortable with him being gay. “My dad said, ‘Well, I guess I have to find out more about what that means,’” and attended a few meetings for parents of gay youth. Since then, says Hayden, he’s had a good relationship with both his parents.

Parents can experience a huge range of overwhelming emotions when their teen says she or he is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered (LGBT). While every family is of course different, typical first thoughts range from “You’re confused” to “What about AIDS?” and “What will people think?,” notes Cherie MacLeod, executive director of PFLAG Canada, an organization that provides support and education to anyone with questions or concerns about sexual orientation and gender identity issues. Religion and culture can also be significant barriers, says Amar Sangha, a registered social worker in British Columbia who founded a support group for LGBT Sikhs, Punjabi and South Asians and their families. “Some families believe homosexuality is wrong and sinful and can cause some people a difficult time coming out.”

It’s not unusual for parents to react poorly at first, says MacLeod. If your reaction was less than positive, apologize, pledge to learn more and do your best to keep an open mind, as the stakes can be high. A January 2009 study published in Pediatrics found that LGBT youth rejected by their families were more than eight times more likely to report having attempted suicide, nearly six times more likely to use illegal drugs, and more than three times more likely to have unprotected sex, compared to peers with no or low levels of family rejection.

It’s also common for parents not to be on the same page initially, causing strain within their own relationship. “You have to get used to the idea of not knowing exactly what to do, just like you did when your child was very young,” says MacLeod. Look to resources like counsellors and support groups for information (see sidebar). “Parents have different concerns from adolescents and need to connect with a peer support community of their own. It’s not healthy to expect the child to be their sole mentor on sexual diversity issues,” says MacLeod. And don’t panic. “Some of the strongest parent-child relationships I have seen are in families where the parents exploded when their child came out,” she adds.

A rocky road
“Some children come out after a lengthy period of emotional instability and unhealthy choices, leading parents to discount their child’s coming-out as yet another ‘phase’ or ‘stunt,’” says MacLeod. In reality, the behavioural issues are often related to the child’s struggle to come to terms with his or her sexuality. Lisa and Brad Martin of Lethbridge, Alta., had noticed for months that their 15-year-old daughter Eastyn was troubled. “Then when we saw that she had been cutting herself, we sat her down and said you have to tell us or a doctor what is going on, right now,” says Lisa Martin. Eastyn came to her parents an hour later with a letter explaining that she was transgendered, meaning that, in her case, she identifies herself as male and is attracted to both males and females. “We were shocked,” admits Martin. “We had never even heard of transgender before.” Five years on, after drawing on resources like counselling and a support group, the Martin family is stronger than ever. “It was a difficult journey, but not extremely,” says Martin. “We have this child who has blossomed—she has become who she was meant to become.”

support sites

If you’re the parent of a LGBT child, consider these resources:

pflagcanada.ca Provides information and links to local support groups across Canada

tenoaksproject.org. An Ottawa-area camp for LGBT youth as well as children of LGBT families