(© Bonnie Schiedel. Originally published in Canadian Family, November 2008). 


Some preschoolers have long conversations with perfect strangers on the street, others try to melt into your legs if the eight-year-old down the street says hi. Why are some kids shy while others are outgoing? “About 15 per cent of kids are born with a nervous system that’s like a tightly coiled spring. They encounter something new and their heart rate ramps up and stays up,” explains Dr Robert Coplan, a psychology professor at Ottawa’s Carleton University who researches shyness in preschoolers. “Even in non-stressful situations, their heart rates are a little higher than non-shy kids’.” However, there are lots of things you can do to help your shy guy feel more comfortable in the big wide world. 

The occasion: family holiday get-together 
Talk to your child beforehand about what to expect: noise, lots of activity, pets, people he knows (cousin Madison) and people he may not remember (great uncle Bob). “Give him a specific job that to do. Say, ‘ok, you’re going to give this gift to grandma and smile at her when she says thank you, and then we’ll take a break for a minute,’” says Dr Coplan. “Then a little while later, when all eyes aren’t on you, the two of you can go and have a longer visit with grandma. That way you’re showing your child that social skills are expected, without the pressure of a lot of attention from other people.”

The occasion: organized activity or play group 
Take small steps. Start with a play date with one other child, and have your child show the other kid something she knows how to do and is good at. Then, work your way up to bigger groups. If you’re going to day care or a regular lesson or activity, see if you can arrange for a one-on-one visit beforehand so your child can get the lay of the land and meet the caregiver or teacher, advises Dr Larry Tuff, a psychologist at McMaster Children’s Hospital in Hamilton, Ont. 

Try to strick a balance between reassurance and independence. Lori Ducharme of Belle River, Ont., noticed her daughter Emma’s shyness around age three, when the two of them went to dance or skating lessons. “She’d stick close to me and put her fingers in her mouth, and you could see she was intimidated around noisy or bigger kids,” she says. “We continued going to activities, but I didn’t push her to be a little social butterfly; pushing just makes it worse. I’d stay with her for a little while until she felt more comfortable, and then step back to the sidelines.” 

The occasion: introduction to an adult
“Give your child options,” says Dr Coplan. “Expecting a whole conversation may not be realistic. Say, ‘when you meet one of my friends, or one of our neighbours, I want you to say hello, or look at their face and smile, or give a high five.’” 

Whatever the situation, you can help your child develop positive coping techniques. “Young kids are all about feeling rather than thinking, so you have to help them remember, ‘Oh, it’s just tummy tingles. That’s how I feel sometimes but I’ll feel better soon,’” says Dr Tuffs. “Deep breathing, using the abdomen rather than the chest, naturally slows down heart rate and decreases anxiety, so practice breathing like you’re blowing up a balloon in your tummy,” suggests Dr Coplan. 

Lose the label
While it’s natural to want to explain your child’s behaviour by saying, “Oh, she’s just shy,” resist the temptation to label, cautions Dr Coplan, because the child often sees it as an excuse not to try to be socially engaged. “Instead, say ‘Maya is just taking a few minutes to check things out, but she’ll be in there with the other kids soon.’” And what if you are shy yourself? “Don’t swoop in and protect your shy child from the world,” says Dr Tuff. “She’ll pick up on your anxiety.”


When is shy too shy?
“If extreme shyness goes on in many situations for an extended period of time and is stopping your child from doing stuff that’s normal and appropriate for a child that age to do, like going to school or having friends, it’s time to get some outside help from a professional,” says Coplan. “But the good news is that most shy kids grow up just fine.”