(Originally published in Chatelaine, June 2004)

Imagine what your day would be like without guilt. Picture a rich, dynamic, packed-to-the-brim life, where you can spend more time with family and friends, exercise, veg out on your own or get ahead at work—without that niggling sense that you should be doing something else. That guilty feeling kicks in when we can’t meet our own standards. “It becomes a vicious circle,” says Denise Marek, a worry management expert in Whitby, Ont. “The more you judge yourself with unrealistic, self-imposed expectations, the more guilt you feel. The more guilt you feel, the more you judge yourself.”
Are you ready to boot guilt out of your life? Meet two women who said “oooh, yeah” when we asked them if they wanted a guilt makeover. We matched up each of them with an expert who gave them some anti-guilt strategies to try. Whether you’re feeling guilty about the amount of time you spend with your kids or about going to the gym just to sit in the whirlpool, we bet these strategies will work for you too. Say goodbye to guilt!

Guilt complex #1
“When I am at work, I feel guilty about not running the ‘perfect’ household like my stay-at-home friends do,” says 34-year-old Caprice White, a hospitality industry consultant in Calgary. “But when I am at home, I feel guilty that I am not spending overtime at the office like some of my other colleagues. At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve run a marathon.”
The expert Denise Marek
“Caprice was judging her choices as good or bad, and in her eyes, anything short of perfection was bad,” observes Marek. “She needed to start asking herself some more sophisticated questions about her choices.”
Guilt-busting technique #1: Separate fact from opinion
White used to get an attack of the guilts when a snippy co-worker would comment, “You’re going home early.” “When I asked myself if that was a fact or an opinion, I realized it was just her opinion,” says White. “I wasn’t leaving early, my work was done, and I have a life outside of work.” Goodbye, guilt.

Guilt-busting technique #2: Write it down
White began to take five or 10 minutes before bedtime to write in her journal about her day and list the times she felt guilty. Three things happened: she saw how guilt was sucking time and energy from her day, she saw how silly some of her guilty moments were, and she pinpointed some of her guilt triggers. “Journalling really helps you see a pattern and figure out another approach,” she says.

Guilt-busting technique #3: Do a reality check
On the very first day of her guilt makeover, White and her husband headed out to a friend’s picnic. She immediately started feeling guilty that she had left her three dogs behind. “Then I thought, is this an appropriate reaction? I realized the dogs were safe and fed, and I had walked them and played with them before we went out. My guilt disappeared!”

Guilt-busting technique #4: Drink up
“This sounds so simple but it works,” insists White. Just drink eight glasses of water a day. When you get dehydrated, even a little bit, your judgment is off, says Marek. You get tired and before you know it, guilt is sneaking in.

Two weeks later
“This was a fantastic experience. Letting go of that guilt is such a relief. I’m much more relaxed, and my husband says I’m more fun to be with now!”


guilt complex #2
“When I do find time to sit down and read or watch a show I’ve taped, I feel guilty for not working on my school stuff or doing something around the house,” says Karen Clare, a 41-year-old government administrator, student, and mom of two young daughters in Kelly’s Cross, PEI. “But when I don’t get me-time, I still feel guilty because I know I should be taking care of myself. ”
The expert Karen Wright
“Karen was overwhelmed,” says Karen Wright, a certified executive coach in Toronto and Chatelaine’s Ask a Balance Coach columnist. “I thought that it was important for her to take a look at her decisions and see where she was creating that swamped feeling for herself.”

Guilt-busting technique #1: Accentuate the positive
“Here’s my light bulb moment: Karen said to celebrate what I had been able to do that day, not feel guilty about what I hadn’t been able to do,” says Clare. “Even though I only took a few minutes to sit down and relax, that’s worth celebrating.”

Guilt-busting technique #2: Burn the “To Do” list
Sometimes, you need to think broadly. Instead of saying “I will read for an hour a day,” and feeling guilty when you don’t do it, say “I will look for opportunities to read.” When Clare needed to visit an ill friend on the mainland, she could have driven or taken the ferry. She hopped aboard the ferry and carved out a precious hour and a quarter for herself to read and relax.

Guilt-busting technique #3: Try small steps
You don’t necessarily need to make a humongous life change to curb your guilt. Clare started small: after class one night, she decided to stop by a bookstore she loves. “I discovered some new magazines and bought them. It only took 15 minutes and it absolutely made my day.” And hey, who can feel guilty about a 15-minute treat!

Guilt-busting technique #4: Take a hard look at your choices
Clare recently added extra university courses to her workload in order to graduate a full year earlier. Wright asked her to think about scaling down, even just temporarily, to free up a bit more of her time and therefore zap some of the guilt. She’s considering it. “I’ll do what I can and if it gets to be too much, I will lighten my course load.”

Two weeks later “Before, I’d feel resentful that I didn’t make time for myself a priority. Now, I’m trying to be more conscious of my actions. I’m saying no to the guilt. I can do this for me and the other things can wait. It feels good!”


Sidebar: How to cancel the guilt trip
Your dad wistfully says he hardly sees the grandkids, your partner rolls his eyes when you cancel a special dinner because you have to work late: Welcome to your guilt trip. But guess what? “No one can make you feel guilty. Feeling guilty is your choice,” insists Karen Wright, Chatelaine’s Ask a Balance Coach columnist. So, how do you handle those guilt triggers? Try this three-step strategy:
1. Create an action plan So your best friend wails, “Why haven’t you called me back?” Instant guilt trigger, right? You need a game plan. Instead of dwelling on how awful you are for not calling, figure out a way that you can connect—a lunch next week, a Wednesday night phone call—and then keep the date.
2. Unload the emotion “The guilter may not realize what she’s doing,” says Dr. Judy Turner, a Toronto psychologist and co-author of The Juggling Act The Healthy Boomer’s Guide to Achieving Balance in Mid-Life (McClelland & Stewart). “You need to get down to the feeling level and be candid and direct. Say ‘When you say that, it makes me feel bad, like I’m a disappointment to you.’ ” Being forthright can help diffuse the situation.
3. Get a second opinion “Seeking another point of view can work wonders for calming a guilty mind,” says Denise Marek, a worry management expert in Whitby, Ont. Saying “this is the situation I’m in and this is how I see it. How do you see it?” is pretty easy. The tricky part is asking the right person. Beware of your “guilt buddy”—you know, the one who wallows with you. Instead, look for someone who balances an honest and realistic approach with a healthy dose of optimism.

QUIZ: What’s your GQ?
Guilt Quotient, that is. When Chatelaine asked readers when they felt guilty, the answers included “when I don’t have the pool ready on the first hot day of summer,” “when the car breaks down and my daughter misses her dance recital” and “when the kids haven’t cleaned out the guinea pig cage.” So, how do you rate? Take our quiz to find out.

1. You’re asked to work overtime. You say no and:
a. feel guilty about not being there for your coworkers, sabotaging your chances at promotion and losing out on money to help your family
b. wonder if you should offer to work the next long weekend instead
c. thoroughly enjoy your Thursday night TV fix

2. Your neighbour phones and asks you to make a dish for the “Pine Street Potluck and Polka Night.” You absolutely do not have the time. You:
a. stay up until 3 am to make your famous meatball casserole, but feel terrible because it’s the same thing you made last year
b. stay up til 11:30 pm to make your famous cupcakes from a box, but think they really should be homemade
c. refuse politely, fork over a donation and polka around the kitchen

3. Your daughter’s lacrosse team is in the semi-finals, your son is trying for his brown belt in karate. At the same time. Thank you, gods of bad timing. You:
a. go to the first half of the lacrosse game and then peel across town to catch the second half of the karate test. Feel guilty for not being able see all of both events.
b. go to one event and get your spouse or a friend to videotape the other. Sniffle while watching the tape.
c. tell the kids you’d love to do both, but you can’t, so you’re flipping a coin. Then spend some special time with the child whose event you missed

4. Your mom calls you at work a lot. You:
a. feel guilty when you take the calls, and guilty when you don’t
b. explain that you can’t take personal calls at work, but then feel guilty because you think you’ve hurt your mom’s feelings
c. say, “sorry ma, can’t talk now,” and then call her that night

5. In one day, count how many times you say or think “I should.” That number is:
a. about the same number as Jennifer Lopez’s millions
b. about the same number as Jennifer Lopez’s magazine covers
c. about the same number as Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husbands

Add ‘em up
Mostly A’s: Yep, you’re the Queen of Guilt all right. But you knew that. In fact, you probably feel guilty about the amount of time you spend feeling guilty. Darlin’, it’s time to give yourself a break.

Mostly B’s: Diagnosis: female. You feel a little guilty about a lot of stuff, and you know you need to work on it. Give our guilt-busting techniques a whirl, and talk with a trusted friend or your doctor if you feel like your guilt level is getting out of hand.

Mostly C’s: Hello, Ms. Evolved. You’ve worked hard to get your priorities straight. Give yourself a high-five and then occasionally share some of that hard-won wisdom with your friends and family.