© Bonnie Schiedel. Originally published in Today’s Parent, October 2001

8 Tracks to Sanity

Hit Solutions from Moms and Dad

Now that you're a parent, you're probably so busy trying to keep the balls in the air that you don't even notice if one of them rolls under the couch and becomes covered with dog hair. You'd like more balance in your life, but figuring out how to make it happen can be like unlocking the Caramilk secret. There's no formula that will guarantee success, but here are some of the choices and changes - big and small - that eight families made to pull off their own unique balancing acts.

Wagons East

Seven years ago, Debi and Jeff Bowins were waging a work-family tug-of-war. Living in Pickering, Ontario, they found themselves pulled between raising their 18-month-old daughter, Leah, and their careers - Debi's as a marketing and advertising packaging designer, Jeff's as owner of a flooring company. "We were constantly looking at the clock, trying to get everything done, trying to beat the traffic to get to daycare on time," recalls Jeff. "It was work, work, work, all the time." They downsized their house, thinking that would make life simpler, but they still weren't happy.

When they realized they hadn't taken a vacation in five years, Debi and Jeff decided enough was enough. They cancelled appointments, loaded up their camper and headed east for a summer holiday in St. Andrews, New Brunswick, a scenic village straight out of a postcard. Two days after they arrived they were sitting at a campground picnic table, each trying to work up the nerve to tell the other that they didn't want to go home. "We called the real estate agent the next day and bought a house the day after that," says Jeff. "Then we went back to Pickering, told our families - who had to pick their jaws up off the floor - and began the process of packing up and selling our house."

After settling in a few months later, they started their own small business manufacturing and selling natural soap products. "It's still a lot of hard work, but there's much more flexibility in the hours," observes Debi. "Now we can walk to work, Leah can walk to school, and one of us can pick her up at two o'clock and spend the rest of the afternoon with her. We have dinner together at 5:30, not at eight when we're starving and ready to eat each other's arms!"

Leah, now eight, is in skating, Brownies, Highland dance and piano, and the Bowins haven't missed a single event. "If she's got something during the day, we can just put a sign on the store door that says 'Gone to school concert' and go, because everyone in town will know what we're talking about," laughs Jeff. They can play together as a family now, too, whether it's canoeing, tobogganing or skiing. Jeff finally has time to read, and Debi has learned to play the harp. "It was something I always wanted to do but I certainly didn't have time to learn or practise before. Our lives are so much better now."

Homeward Bound

A year and a half ago, Paul Goldsmith was working 12- to 14-hour days as a welder, and his wife, Kathy, was often on the road for days at a time with her job as a cruise line rep. That took a toll on their children, Nicole, seven, Sarah, six, and Zachary, four. "We found that the children weren't listening to us; they were always arguing over little things. There was just something missing," remembers Paul.

Paul and Kathy sat down and decided that Paul would stay home with the kids. "I can help with homework now because I'm not as fatigued, and we play together. Last winter we all took ski lessons on the weekends, and last summer we bought a trailer and camped. We notice a difference in the kids now. I'm happy with the change and I know my wife is, too."

Hobby Habits

Joanne and Vic Davis of Fort Frances, Ontario, have a six-year-old daughter, Maggie, with cerebral palsy. "Before we plan to do anything, we figure out how to meet Maggie's needs. She's our number one priority, and we love just hanging out together," explains Joanne. She's a child development consultant for the local Family and Children's Services office, and Vic works at his family's wilderness outfitting business for tourists.

Joanne and Vic have learned to carve out time for themselves. Joanne is the co-founder of a monthly book club, takes scrapbooking courses and tries to put on her dancing shoes once a week for tap lessons. Vic hits the gym three times a week, plays baseball in the summer and belongs to an investment club. They've got a supportive network of loving and involved family, and recently they started using a trained caregiver to look after Maggie once a week so they can go out to a movie or dinner. "We don't make a real conscious effort to be active or say, 'Oh, I have to get out of the house,' but if there's something that interests us, we do it," Joanne says.

The Night Shift

Full-time shift work as a patient registration clerk in a local hospital has Niagara Falls, Ontario, means that single mom Karen Bishop is spread pretty thin. Her three children - Megan, ten, Harley, 12, and Tim, 14 - always used to complain, "I never get to spend any time with you alone, Mom."'

A change in bedtime routines solved the problem. "The youngest goes to bed at 8:30, the middle at nine, and the oldest between 9:30 and ten. This way we get to read a book together, or just catch up on their lives. It lets them know they've got a time when I'm totally theirs." As for time that's totally Karen's, she laces up her running shoes three or four times a week. "I run one to three miles at a time, depending on how much aggravation I have to vent."

Kill the Commute

Ken and Karen Linner of Owen Sound, Ontario, are both elementary-school teachers and parents of eight-year-old Paige and four-year-old Claire. They found driving to jobs, games and lessons was whittling away precious family time.

"I moved to a different school this year, one that I can literally see from my home. I don't have a 20-minute commute each way any more," says Karen. "It's the school that my daughters attend, so I feel like I'm not away from them all day because they join me in my classroom before school until the yard is supervised, and after school while I finish up my work." She now has time to go for an hour-long morning walk with her neighbour several times a week, too. The Linners also take the "zap the commute" approach to extracurricular activities. "Paige has piano lessons once a week, but she takes them at her school in the morning before classes start. Claire has Kindermusic on Thursday mornings, but it's taught by her daycare provider, so it's really convenient," says Karen. "Spring, summer and fall, Ken plays soccer once a week, usually around six at night. We try to turn that into a family thing and pack a blanket and a picnic dinner."

Creative Cramming

Mari Main of Burnaby, BC, recently returned to full-time work as a manager in the legal department of a bank. With a 16-month-old daughter, Chloe, waiting for her at home, some creative scheduling helps keep things in check.

"I go swimming at the Y at lunch, and it's such a stress-buster," says Main. "I'm also studying for my CFA [certified financial advisor], so instead of driving to work, I take public transit and I do my reading then. That way I can spend time with Chloe when I get home because I know I have that 40 minutes of studying done."

Circle of Friends

Winnipegger Lianna McDonald draws on the strength and support of family to keep life with her six-year-old daughter, Riel, on an even keel. She's a single parent and the executive director for Child Find Manitoba, a demanding and often emotionally draining job.

"My parents live only three blocks from us, and I'd say they've almost been co-parents. They all adore each other. It's enabled me to manage the expectations of the career I have. I carry a pager 24 hours a day if a child's gone missing, but still feel that Riel is growing up healthy and in a very nurturing environment." Friends are an essential part of Lianna's work-life equation, too. "It's important to me to have the opportunity to connect with the people I know best. It's very grounding."

Pass the Pokemon

Jo-Anna and Danny Cannon live in Maple Ridge, BC, with their six-year-old son, Joel. Danny is an aircraft maintenance engineer and Jo-Anna is a part-time marketing rep for an insurance company. With lives chock full of work, sports, family and friends, they knew they had to make more time for themselves and each other.

"At least once a week, usually more, we have a family meeting. Whoever is holding the Pokemon gets to talk and say what it is that they want to do. For example, Danny says he wants to go rock climbing, and Joel says he wants to go to the park, and I say I want to go for dim sum. Then we pick the one, or the combination, that we all agree on," explains Jo-Anna. "Sometimes we choose to do things we can do separately, together or with friends. So we could go as a family to the rock climbing gym, or Danny could go on his lunch hour, or it could be a date for Danny and me.

"We also work very hard on our marriage. We have date night once a week and we'll even call each other up to plan it, really play it up. It doesn't have to be a big thing - we'll go see a movie on cheap night or to a high-school play or attend something in the community, like a parade."

While they love their family time, they treasure their personal time, too. Danny goes for a run some mornings at five, coaches baseball, and makes time to go for a beer with his buddies after work or a coffee with his dad. Jo-Anna started a group called The Dysfunctional Gardeners and does Tai Chi. "It's like when you're in an airplane and they tell you if there's an emergency, to put the oxygen mask over your own mouth first before you help your kids,” says Jo-Anna. “You can't help your kids if you can't breathe."